Sunday, January 1, 2017

The sun after the rain, the spring after the storm

"I want this year to work for me. Let me start it fresh and brand-new, like the bareness of a freshly-opened notebook." 

I wrote that here three years ago, when I first made this blog. (There's no use looking for that post, btw. It's gone lol) 

Contrary to the popular saying, I don't really believe in "starting all over again" anymore. (I used to, but not anymore. That's what life does to you, I guess.) Life isn't a game. There's no reset. All that's left to do is to carry on. 

Continue. Carry on. 

I uttered those words when I once argued with Dexter about something, and he told me to "Start over again." I gave him a hard look and said, "Bro, there is no starting all over again. This isn't a game. There is no reset." 

We're in the middle of writing a book. You can't just rip off the pages and pretend that the things written on those removed pages never happened. Neither do we erase anything. No, we don't erase anything, we just keep on writing. 

When Vincent and I broke up a few months back, I told myself that there's no recovering from it, and the next person in line to love me will have to compete with his shadow for God knows how long... Yet I took him back (and he took me back) the moment I realized that I could never dare write a single line in this story if it's not him by my side. He told me that it was fine, that he forgave me, and that we can start over again. 

In the midst of fighting back my tears and suffocating myself with his scent, I told myself that there is no starting all over again. We're only going to have to continue where we left off. (And when he joked about making October 14 our new "monthsary", I hit him. Real hard.) 

I once thought that 2015 was the worst year of my entire life. Then 2016 happened and all I could do was, "Oh, look. It's a new record!"

Not everything that happened was bad, of course. There were beautiful, breath-taking moments like World Youth Day and... 


World Youth Day...?

I once said that 2016 was going to be my year, after my downward spiral last 2015. But oh, boy, what fun it was to spiral out of control once again, this time at an even worse and faster pace. 

Now I know what you're thinking: 2016 was shit. Can we pretend it never happened? Well, duh, of course not. It may have been shit, but I can't deny that I still have a lot to be thankful for. In the book of days, you can't just pull out 2016, because on that page are good things, lessons and mistakes that, while a pain to read, is still worth reading. A new year may be a new start, but it's still a story that goes on. 

When I screwed up big time last year, I ran away from God so much that I had almost forgotten my purpose. Yet despite being the most horrible princess a Father King could ever have, He still pinched me and said, "Yes, you've been a bad girl, but we've both gone too far to give up on each other now, don't you agree? Come back here." And once again, He chose me for a purpose I still have yet to discover.  

A lot of people say that life is just one big game and I get that, and yeah, they tell me that it's possible to start all over again by overwriting the saved file. But do they realize that even by overwriting the entire thing, the story's still all-too familiar, that you can't completely "start all over again" because you know well enough what happened before, and you know what to avoid and what to do. 

In short, there really is no forgetting mistakes, especially for me. I made the mistake running away from my purpose and lost myself in the process. I made the mistake of breaking up with someone who means the world to me, and I had one week to realize what exactly it was I was giving up. I made the mistake of hurting people, unintentionally, and I've made peace with the fact that whatever words were said can never be taken back. Whether they forgive me or not is entirely up to them, but I know for a fact that I've forgiven myself. I'm not gonna beat myself over to "start again", nope. I'm gonna continue. Carry on. 

Despite the ruin and devastation, there's always something to look forward to, not necessarily a new start, but a continuation of what was once there, like the sun after the rain, the spring after the storm. 

Besides... Why would you want to rip off a chapter of an ongoing story? 

And of course, a shout-out to some important guys: Heart and soul, you need to remember where you belong. How long will you leave me lost and restless?