Monday, October 19, 2015

Finding My Place in the Greater Scheme of Things

It all happened one sunny summer morning. And the rest is history. 

I don't think I'll ever get tired of telling people my origin story, of how I was called, and how God delegated this task to me became my greatest and most prized possession.

July 12, 2015

Happiest kid in the ministry. If you want a piece of my happiness, then join us!

As someone still fairly new in the youth ministry, I gotta hand it to those who are able to give it their full and undivided attention. I can't help but admit that I'm someone who doubts her own capabilities. I know for a fact that I'm in love with this God whom I chose to serve, but I deem myself unworthy to fight for Him.

A few nights ago, I was filling up an application form for a certain youth event, and again I was faced with my personal demons whom I've been trying so hard to battle. I told myself that these setbacks aren't good. I questioned my worthiness, I questioned capabilities, and I questioned pretty much my entire life. Something great is about to happen to me, and I don't know if I can hold up to that greatness. The Lord called me to live this life of servitude, and if He needs me, I will draw my sword, even if I can't hold it up yet.

I don't understand why I keep on reminding myself that my demons are strong instead of reminding myself that my God is so much stronger and more capable. I think the reason why I keep on crumbling and breaking down is because I insist on fighting these demons alone.

It's because I'm denying myself the strength that the Lord can give me.

After all, why would He fight for a sinful child like me?

But no. I called Him and He answered, no matter how deep I've let myself drown. He held me up, even when I insisted on getting down.

I need to acknowledge these demons, because the harder I try to ignore them, to shove them in the back of my mind, the stronger they retaliate. Yes, I know. I am utterly weak.

But my God, You give me strength. Even when my demons take over me, You will never leave.

"But his answer was: 'My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.' I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ's power over me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Paul said that the Lord told him that 'His grace is all that he needs, for His power is greatest when he is weak', which made me understand why I fight these demons within me, for how can I glorify the Lord with my own strength? In my wounds, the Lord shines through, and I do believe that whoever has the Lord has everything he needs. 

In my life of service, I believe that if God is by my side, then I can do all things. I know now that I may deem myself unworthy, or maybe other people think of me as such, but it is the Lord that brought me here, and wherever He tells me to go, there I will be.

Proverbs 3:5-6 is my life verse. How it came to be is something I'll never know. All I know is that it's something I utter when I feel so hopeless(ly lost). On that night I was filling up the application form for World Youth Day, that's when everything came rushing into me.

All roads lead to World Youth Day, so I thought. I only realized now how clever God is and how He made things fall into place, how I took my failure to study at Miriam College as a way of redirection. Maybe He needed me nearby. Maybe He wanted me to stay close. Maybe... Oh, I don't know. No one really knows what God is thinking about, anyway, and why He chose me, of all people, is a mystery I'll surely enjoy (though painstakingly) solving. 

What is World Youth Day for me anyway? Is it really just some sort of fan club that other people make out to be? Not really. I've said this a lot of times already, but for me, World Youth Day is a grand gathering of young children called to commune with the Pope and with Christ. I wish to join next year's World Youth Day so that I can bring home to my parish what I have gleaned from my communion and share it with my fellow young people in my parish. I believe that by joining next year's World Youth Day, my relationship with Christ (as well as with my fellow youth) will deepen even more, and I will receive a different kind of wisdom that I can share with my fellow youth. To be chosen to go to that event is an honor, as I will be going there in behalf of the young people from my parish who are as eager as I am to commune with Christ through the Pope. 

...And the fact that I've been chosen still chills me to the bone. I've also said this a lot of times before, but to think that it's been three years since I first dreamed of being a delegate-- now, I'm a hopeful. I still haven't earned the privilege to be called a delegate, because I'm still far from that. 

Of course I'm a sinner. There are days when I fall short from grace, but I somehow gotta accept the fact that I was set apart, chosen for a purpose I'll never understand yet. I have to work hard to earn this worthiness I will never deserve, but I don't think I need to be worthy-- I only need His grace. I believe now, when I heard Him whisper that He has chosen me. I am not my own anymore, but I am His, and my life is meaningless if I cannot find my meaning in Him. 

Stop asking, "Why me?", Tony. His thoughts are greater than yours. 

Oh, and if this blog post's title is misleading, no, I still haven't found my place... but I am walking, because all things have a place in the greater scheme of things.

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