Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Life Lately, Volume 4

"you ask what I have done with my life.
why I am 22 with 
so many unfinished selves. 
so many futures I could not commit to.
but you don’t know how much of my time has been spent keeping myself alive."
—I Think I’m Doing Great, Lora Mathis 
(From The Artidote)

Hello! I've missed one month's worth of Friday's 10 Happy Things and The Sunday Currently. Nevertheless, I thought that it was all right since I haven't found anything... blog-worthy lately. 

Life has not been kind to me these past few weeks. (It hasn't been kind to me at all this year.) It's either the weeks have been terribly harsh, or I've been terribly brittle at handling the lemons that life's been pelting me with. Can't we have days just dwelling on life and contemplating about it? (???) (All the while I also thought that bleh, my blog looked terrible in lilac and mint green.

So I decided to share some of the things I've been up to.  

  • I'm officially a registered voter! So here's another vote against corruption here in the Ph. Four hours of waiting actually paid off and I ate a Jollispaghetti afterwards.
  • School - I've been struggling with trying to take school head-on and being a lazy mofo. To be honest, I'm at my weakest, but I swore to myself that I am gonna get me past that finish line, even if I have to crawl to get there. The last three weeks have been ghastly preoccupied by school and my downward spiral. We're now in the middle of the semester and still stuck with more things to do. I've been tasked to lead one group and it's pretty much a test of leadership, all right, but the fact that they trust me enough to be a leader is utterly terrifying (since I can't even trust myself, after all). All of that, and three more microstudies and a magazine to work on. Just when I thought that I could breathe again. 
    • I got most of my grades and I think I did a pretty well job. Thank God. 
  • Secret projects - Nyanners and our four-man group (well, three guys and a girl group) have been working on some... stuff. They're kinda top secret for now but I think I can drop a hint without being clobbered by Nyanners.
It's the start of a patriarchy. 
  • Self - I've been... really unhappy lately. It's not because of other people, but it's mostly myself. I've done a lot of things that made me upset with myself and sometimes I wish I could just... hit myself. I'm trying to pick myself up from the dust once again, but God knows how deep I've gone into the dark. Yep, tryna feel my way back to the light. 
    • I've been running away from responsibilities quite often as well. I think that it's an absolutely unhealthy habit because it reflects how I handle my shit and that just means I'm doing a terrible job at it. I'm really disappointed with some poorly-made decisions because even though I've thought about it carefully, I didn't look at it in a different angle.
    • I actually want to stop blaming other people because of my unhappiness. I've told other people that you shouldn't let your happiness rest on another person because once that person decides to hurt you, you will end up absolutely miserable. Come on, man, be responsible for your own emotions. (Let's face it, people change.)
      • I remember ranting about this to my little sister, and I kept on blaming my parents for not letting me wear clothes that make me happy because they've told me before that I "stand out" too much (which is another way of telling me that my clothes are tacky and unfortunately, we don't live in Japan). She told me to just "suck it up" and wear whatever I want because in reality my parents really don't care (!!!) about what I wear, unless they deem it as something really inappropriate. So here's to me buying more clothes that make me happy. 
    • But I'm proud to say that I've been taking time to taking care of myself more, and I like how positive I feel whenever I do. (Too bad that positivity will never outweigh the shitty decisions I've made. Go cry more and see if it'll change things... Not.)
  • And some other stuff...
    • World Youth Day is only mere months away and I am still contemplating my worthiness. I attended the pilgrims' first ever orientation and was seated there, not just contemplating my worthiness, but my entire existence as well. To think that three years ago I've only been dreaming about attending this wonderful experience of communing with the pope and Christ and fast forward three years later I'm already on my way. (Dearest Lord in heaven will I ever be ready for this?!) 
      • I'm trying not to forget stuff since our next meeting will be in two weeks' time and I am dreadful at remembering things. 
      • Passport processing is a drag, but I guess it's my fault for being a slow little chicken. 
    • I've been eating really heartily lately ever since my dad told me that I needed to bulk up for WYD. (And when I said hearty, I meant unhealthy.) I don't know if being upset with myself prompted this whole eat-whatever-you-want affair, but I'm kinda in love with it.
    • We began our corporate attire Thursdays and I'm not wearing skirts. I wear pants like a lady boss lol but honestly speaking, I really feel like a total badass whenever I'm in our corporate attire. So I guess there is some truth to how high heels are a pleasurable pain. (If only I didn't feel so darn powerful in them.)
    • Vincent turns 24 in a few days' time and I am still praying that my presents would fit him and his twin brother because I am starting to doubt his size BUT I STILL LOVE HIM OK ♥
And this pretty much sums up my life lately. I'd like to end this progress report by saying: Do shit that makes you happy. Don't let other people control it. Be responsible for your own happiness, man. (Forgive me, I'm still a work in progress.) What have you been up to? I hope that life has been good to you!

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