Friday, July 4, 2014

June 27, 2014, 9:05 AM

[21st at its worst... Or I guess you can say I'm coping.

Of course who am I to say that this is my worst?

Forgive me, I'm still a WIP.]

One morning, I went to school without headphones, without music. I realized that in the silence and stillness of my mind, my thoughts were awake. My thoughts were telling me something. I knew that I was losing my touch of what really matters. But I wondered what was happening to me.

I wasn't just losing touch of myself. I was losing myself.

But then I thought, Oh, dear Lord-- Why do I have to lose myself at such a crucial time, when there's so much to be done? (At school, at church, at home...)

To be honest, I wasn't exactly in my best state for the past days. My reading was terrible, there was so much school work to be done, not to mention the task given to me at church. I've been having a hard time coping up with... almost everything, actually. And the worst thing about losing your focus is that you lose sight of what exactly matters.

In the midst of all this confusion and exhaustion, I couldn't help but utter, "What am I doing? Why am I doing this?... Who am I exactly?" I continued with my week in an exhausted stupor, but yesterday was pretty much my unexpected awakening.
During our Theology class yesterday, I flipped my bible open and this verse was highlighted, impossible to miss: "And Mary said, 'Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.'" (Luke 1:38)

How could I forget who I am? (Ah, what a shame.) If I use the Good News Translation of the verse, Mama Mary would say, "I am the Lord's servant."

Of course.

Before heading home yesterday, I went to confession. One of the things the priest told me was to "never forget to take care of yourself", like he sensed my un-explainable weariness. I went home with a clearer understanding that there's much to be done, but I mustn't feel overwhelmed by those tasks.

I'm really tired of running away and losing hold of what's important. And when I feel like my fingers are slipping, I'll curl them again to grip tighter. I think I carry the whole world on my shoulders, I need to keep in mind that the Lord is carrying me on His.

And today, the last verse of the Gospel spoke to me yet again. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)
He's still the best resting place ever.

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