Wednesday, April 3, 2013

I am home.

For days I've been keeping things to myself.

What goes on in my head, no one knows. 

But that's what I thought, though. I forgot that the Father knows everything. 


To be completely honest, there was a time that I've thought of giving up on everything. It was pretty foolish and pointless, though. I never really got around to start giving up on anything. You know, even though I thought I would give up everything, I didn't. 

Because it wasn't what I wanted. 

Ever since the beginning, it had always been what I wanted. 

It was never supposed to be that way. 

I asked the Father different questions, like why does it have to be me? Why did it have to be like this? Why am I suffering? Why? Why? Why? Whenever things didn't go my way, my only question would be Why, Father?  

I seem to have forgotten that it wasn't my will that lead me to the church, it was His, and how I adore His will for me. Everything that has happened to me: all of it was His will. 

And I completely adore His will. I've gone so far to falling in love with the church not because I work for it, but because I belong to it. How many times have I said that it is such a great honor to be a part of this church? 

It's not just a church. It's home. 

Home. 

To think that I would go so far as to giving up another shot at school for the sake of the church... Oh, believe me, I would give up anything.

For Him, I would give up just about anything. I would take all of the embarrassment, the failure, the doubt... Because I know in His eyes, I am most precious. All this embarrassment is just a small blemish He can wipe away, like a father wiping away dirt from his daughter's face. 

But just like any rebellious daughter, I have my regular fits of disobedience. I sin so much to the point that I feel so unclean, I want to take a bath, thinking that it would cleanse me again. I know that I sin because it is what I will, and not what He wills. When I realize my errors, I can't help but run. 

Father, I can't face you. I'm so dirty, so shameless... 

I run away and end up questioning myself, my choices, my struggles. It's only when I look back that I realize that it's not just my Father I've run away from. I've also run away from my home. 

But how dare I... How dare I feel hurt, not caring that I hurt the Father more. Such a stupid girl like I should have never been welcomed into such a beautiful life. 


I know that I try to run away, but I don't think the Father wants me to. It's strange that he keeps pulling me back into His arms even though I run and run and run... 

Deep down inside, all I really want is to remain in His arms. And it's not just my will, but His as well. It's both our will. 

So I run back. I know that my Father will never deny me. He will never forsake me. He will never forget me. He will never leave me.  

I've run away countless of times, but I know that every time I ascend the 33 steps and set foot into the pristine-white church... I can feel it in each of my cells, to the tips of my toes, to the roots of my hairs... 

I am home. 

---

Let this be a reminder and an inspiration to you, Tony. You are a part of this community. Whatever you’re going through right now, it doesn't matter. You have something… Someone to come home to, and He will accept you even though other people don’t. His home is your home. So whenever you step into the structure, don’t ever be afraid to utter “I am home, Father”, because you are.

No comments :

Post a Comment